Hola Bitchez

Hi I’m Hans. I’m returning to blogging. Well, I wouldn’t, but I’m quite bored at the moment. And sometimes you reflect on your life and realize that perhaps your only useful identity as a person is as a blogger. Such is life, I suppose. I used to blog here.

I ran into a drunk person the other night who knew me as “hate blog Hans.” I tried to contort my jaw so as to eat her like some sort of deadly South American snake. However, I am but a man. A man who at least LOOKS like a parseltongue..

I worked every day this summer at the greatest place on earth so I could afford to continue going to Swineland Community College. That’s the school I go to. I pay an extra 15k or something to go here as opposed to the U of M. PS I’m currently on probation at Swineland for being a hate blogger.

I live in a suite in my dorm building now. It’s big and shit. I could almost brag about how great it is, with my roommate Kaislice and I just getting drunk and killing bitches every night for cocaine, but honestly it’s just a dorm. It’s not a house. Or a duplex. Or an apartment, or even a shanty. It’s a dorm where I still have doorstop decorating parties, the bathroom is down the hall and to the left right and I’ll probably contract swine flu in the next few days.

Over the summer some chums and I made a rap song about fucking bitches. I’ll post it soon it’s hella sick yo.

Even though it entirely conflicts with my personality, I am the most devoted Minnesota Twins fan you know. I had a sex dream involving Nick Punto; you see the commitment there?


No I don’t dream about Nick Punto’s naked manboy physique. Not often anyway. However I did have a dream where a radioactive chicken broke through the protective glass of my underground laboratory and pecked my cat’s eyes out. It’s the most time I’ve ever spent in a dream simply crying.

This has gotten off track. I apologize. I hope you’ll return… no I can’t type that with a straight face get the hell out of here for your own sake!


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Dedicated to the life and times of Officer Dog


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