Dear Awkward Couple,

Stop it. Just stop. I’ve had enough of you.

[Sigh] There’s this couple. Maybe you’ve seen them. They are extremely unfortunate looking. And that’s fine; I don’t judge (Well I do, but I won’t go out of my way to cause any sort of misery for them just because they are unfortunate looking). They seem very grounded; one day they thought to themselves, you know what? God didn’t make me pretty and I accept that. I’ll just date someone else who looks as unfortunate as I do. At least they’re not pining after something unattainable.

But goddamn they love their PDAs. I saw a ball grab today. A BALL GRAB. In public. I don’t care if you’re Meghan Fox. NO BALL GRABBING. Ugh, here’s a chart of how hot a couple can be before they engage in certain public acts. Scale is standard 1-10.

Sum of deceness = 16-20; anything is pretty much good theater. It might be awkward for them if they started removing clothing, more because of creepy onlookers than anything else.

Sum of deceness = 11-15;  they can cuddle. They can hold hands, kiss. It’s all very cute. Just be careful where yer hands ‘r at fool.

Sum of deceness = 6-10; It’s nice you’ve found each other. But keep it under control; I don’t wanna see you frenchin over thar or I might get pissed.

Sum of deceness = >5; Quasimodo and his pet Goblin can chillabit. No touchie!

I hope I didn’t mislead you into thinking I prefer Reggie Bush to Shaquile O’Neal. Shaq is my hero; someday I want to be him. You hear he can swim almost as fast as Michael Phelps? He’s a God among us.


5 Responses to “Dear Awkward Couple,”

  1. 1 Shelby October 14, 2009 at 3:12 am

    are they like the same height? same size? look almost identical??? and constantly grope like wild animals? i’ve seen them.

  2. 3 Shelby October 14, 2009 at 4:42 pm

    haha. there are at least two awkward couples then!

  3. 4 F.P Santangelo October 19, 2009 at 11:58 am

    So lesbians are uncalled for.

    I get it.

    And fuck you.


  4. 5 Officer Blog October 19, 2009 at 1:57 pm

    If Babs and Rosie got together.. yeah that’s uncalled for.

    <3 u 2

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Dedicated to the life and times of Officer Dog


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