Clarifying Common Misconceptions: Bro Girls vs. Bro Prey

This has nothing to do with Facebook. This is real life, dammit.

I’m sure you’ve all experienced a bro girl or two. And I’m sure you’ve likewise encountered many an underclasswoman following at the heels of a group of surly bros. Are these two one and the same? No. No, not at all.

For bro girls are simply female versions of bros. They enjoy sports and beer and yelling at sports games. They are often obscenely muscular, which is the telltale sign that you’re dealing with no average womanfolk. Steroids aren’t out of the question for bro-girls, either, so beware of violent mood swings from them. They are dressed most often in gym attire and school affiliated sweatshirts. With that said, I don’t intend to demean bro girls; they are confident women who oppose normative, patriarchal gender structures.. in favor of emulating, to some degree, their bro counterparts.

The other group falls into the category of, what I have termed, “Bro prey.” Bros feast on these women like big obnoxious lions do gazelles. Bro prey are often blonde, of below average intelligence, and usually dress as provocatively as possible, in order to attract the most obnoxious bros available. I surveyed a sampling of two dozen bros and determined that they will select their prey based on the following factors, in descending order:

1) How many cups of Powerade they are able to carry at once. Legend has it that some examples of bro prey can carry up to four cups at once.

2) Titties (That’s bro for large breasts).

3) Submissiveness. Bros don’t like bitches that talk or think.

4) Bitch ain’t gonna cheat (This is bro for faithfulness).

5) Bitch ain’t gonna complain (If she doesn’t enjoy watching sports for at least 3 hours a day, she shouldn’t complain, and should commence sandwich making).

6) Sandwich making ability (See criterion 5).

7) Openness to sex with multiple partners (But no dudes cuz that’s gay and shit).

Those were the top seven. After that there were a few responses ranging from “Don’t cost money,” to, “Hot mom.”

I hope this was as enlightening for you all as it was for me.

For further reading, loyal reader and Bro researcher, Paul, has provided his insight into the matter:

Hans,

First of all, bros love to help their fellow bros get laid, and many times this has resulted in a “pig roast.”

Pig Roast- A threesome with two bros and one girl.

This is essentially rooted in the homoerotic tendencies displayed by most of the bro race.

Additionally, bro girls carry gatorade, not bro prey (unless serving a bro). This is because they partake in sports. Most of the bro prey have developed eating patterns of not low fat intake, but low food intake (which nutritionally does not make much sense).

Finally, you might want to specify that the criteria for a bro prey to become a girlfriend of said bros.

The gazelles are for one time feasts.

Love,
Paul

These are good points. I was not familiar with the concept of, ‘Pig roasting,’ however, it certainly seems viable given the aforementioned homoerotic tendencies of bros. Paul, the distinction you were making between carrying Gatorade and serving bros is a valid one. I would counter that my intention in the original posting was that bro prey were rated on their carrying ability of Powerade in order to yes, serve bros. However, it is true that bro girls themselves often consume large quantities of Gatorade, and having a sizable carrying capacity for said Gatorade would be advantageous for them.

Yes, gazelles are, generally, for one time feasts. Bros have a long standing philosophy of hitting it and quitting it. Bro prey, however, do have a tendency to desire the company of bros; it is in their nature. Furthermore, bro prey that satisfy the criteria I posted would certainly be engaged in intercourse, likely once. But as any bro will tell you, “Pussy is pussy.” This could result in multiple night stands. Or the bro could designate his prey for sexual servant status, in which he will engage with her sexually until he is bored or she becomes pregnant.

A very interesting study, indeed.

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3 Responses to “Clarifying Common Misconceptions: Bro Girls vs. Bro Prey”


  1. 1 Paul P November 25, 2009 at 3:53 am

    Hans,

    First of all, bros love to help their fellow bros get laid, and many times this has resulted in a “pig roast.”

    Pig Roast- A threesome with two bros and one girl.

    This is essentially rooted in the homoerotic tendencies displayed by most of the bro race.

    Additionally, bro girls carry gatorade, not bro prey (unless serving a bro). This is because they partake in sports. Most of the bro prey have developed eating patterns of not low fat intake, but low food intake (which nutritionally does not make much sense).

    Finally, you might want to specify that the criteria for a bro prey to become a girlfriend of said bros.

    The gazelles are for one time feasts.

    Love,
    Paul

  2. 2 Anna November 25, 2009 at 11:11 am

    This article really cleared some things up for me, my people watching vocabulary will be much more accurate now. If the world did not have faithful bro-pologists like yourselves, i don’t know what we would do.

  3. 3 Mr Monopoly November 25, 2009 at 6:06 pm

    I do see ol’ boy, splendid post into a most fascinating culture. A related question that has my mustache all in a twist: what is the difference between a Bro and a “Brah?”


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